


I Loathe You

by Timeskip



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Romance, Bullying, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Love, Love/Hate, Romance, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Tsundere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-08-10 07:22:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20131540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Timeskip/pseuds/Timeskip
Summary: The emotional tension between Merula and MC is getting pretty serious. Feelings, positive and negative, are plaguing them both. They just need to figure out what to do with them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story's protagonist is a male of ambiguous house. This is actually my first fanfic on this site, feel free to leave criticism and praise in the comments! It's all appreciated!

"Hey, mudblood!"

The words sank in with bittersweet familiarity. I turned to face her, sneering.

"Oh, hi Merula," I replied with faux irritation.

Before me stood the unconventionally beautiful Merula Snyde, an exceptionally powerful Slytherin witch and the deepest desire of my heart. Her frizzy locks cascaded down her face in natural zigzagged curls. She held her hands on her hips, wand slotted comfortably between her index and middle fingers.

She stared back at me with brilliant intensity, sweeping her unkempt bangs from her forehead. Her sweet lips curled into a fanged snarl, not unlike that of an angry feline.

"Don't you 'oh, hi Merula' me! It's a privilege for me to even speak to you!" she hissed, earning an eye roll from me. As droves of classmates strode past, not even the usually curious Hufflepuffs offered a passing glance. Everyone simply kept their eyes ahead of them, shuffling stacks of parchment or pretending to read a book. This was a daily, almost ritualistic occurrence in Hogwarts. Our rivalry had lost its charm as it became more and more common for us to incessantly harass one another.

Every time she laid her glistening magenta eyes on me, I could expect a torrent of sharp insults to be shot my way as if they were arrows. Not that I cared as much as I should. Any interaction with her was enough to brighten my day, no matter how cruel my friends felt her words were. A fair few of them would cut deep, but something in my heart kept telling me that she didn't mean it.

"Get to the point," I told her, glaring at her as I walked down the hall towards my common room.

"Well, I just..." she began, shoving her hands into the pockets of her robe and walking beside me. A gentle pink glow adorned her cheeks.

"I hadn't seen you all day, and I'd be remiss if I didn't remind you that I did better than you on yesterday's transfigurations exam. That's all." I turned to face her, my blank, half-interested expression growing into a smirk. I slicked my hair back and gave my best attempt at a suave tone.

"So you missed me?" I inquired cockily, winking at her. She gritted her teeth and shoved me into a young Ravenclaw carrying a stack of parchment.

"Of course I didn't miss you, you insufferable dolt! Your mere existence makes me feel ill!" she huffed, storming on towards the stairs with a drumroll of thunderous footsteps. I picked myself up and helped the younger student gather up his dropped work.

The little Ravenclaw looked up at me. I could see the sadness in his eyes, and I hated it. This kid seemed like the empathetic type. He felt for me, but I couldn't let on. Not for him. Not for anyone. That ate me up inside.

"Why on Earth do you put up with her?" he inquired, his face scrunched with thought.

I placed the stack of papers in his hands, shrugging my shoulders. "I do a lot of mad things for a lot of mad people." As I walked away, I cursed internally at myself. I could feel the warmth in my cheeks, and I was certain everyone could see it.


	2. Chapter 2

I tripped over myself clambering up and down the stairs. Normally a task as menial as climbing stairs would require only the bare minimum effort, but I felt as if my lungs were clinging to my ribs as I gasped for air. Was it always so hot in these robes?

I practically fell through the common room door. I looked up to see Rowan standing over me, extending his hand. Gasping for air, I grasped him with my own trembling hand.

"What's got you so worked up, mate?" my bookish friend asked, helping me to my feet. "You're shaking, and you're positively drenched with sweat." Something about his eyes had this knowing look. He was just standing there, hands folded, asking what was wrong. All of this despite my admittedly awful physical appearance as a result of my laborious sprint to the common room. I didn't waste any time wrapping an arm around his shoulders and dragging him headfirst away from the common room.

"I'll explain... shortly..." I panted, shoving him through the door to my dormitory. I tossed myself onto the comforting surface of my bed, wiping my... teary eyes? Goodness gracious, surely I wasn't getting so worked up over a... a fluke! Of course it was a fluke. What a foolish thought, me having a crush on Merula Snyde! I curled up, enveloping my body in the silken sheets of my bed. This was a satisfying feeling. Comfort was what I needed most right now, considering the emotional bombshell that had recently struck me. It was absurd... right? All these weeks I've been hiding how I feel... but is that really how I feel? For her? The cruel, heartless, self-absorbed, venomous Merula Snyde? Rowan gazed at me with deep understanding. He sat on the bed and patted my shoulder, folding his legs beneath him.

"Are you gonna be okay?" he asked, still patting me. I nodded slowly, sitting up. I tentatively put my feet back on the wooden floors of my dormitory, steadying myself against my desk as I stared at the fantastical landscape of towers and meadows just beyond my window.

I leaned forward, taking in the scenery. The feelings of comfort that were coming over me right now were what I deserved after being thrown into another student by my crush. My eyes shot wide open at that word. Crush? No, no, it couldn't be.

Unblinking, I breathed "I think I may have a crush." My ears were met with no reply. I turned, half-expecting to see Rowan's nose buried in something to read. Instead, he was inches away with the most intense grin I've ever seen plastered across his face.

Rowan bounces up and down, gently flailing his arms. His squeal of excitement was not unlike that of a young girl. "Who? You gotta tell me? Wait, let me guess! Penny Haywood, right? I knew it, I knew it, you guys would make such an adorable couple! I personally wouldn't go for a ditzy Hufflepuff, but that's okay! I'm very happy for you! You should tell her!" Every word of this was spat from his mouth in the span of eight seconds or less.

"Good lord, Rowan, I have my doubts that even silencio could make you stop talking..." I halfheartedly laughed, embracing my friend gently.

Still holding him, my amused expression hardened to one of confused realization. "Nah mate... it's Merula." Again, no reply. "Er... Rowan?" I called, stepping away from him. His lips were pursed and his cheeks inflated like a chipmunk's. He guffawed, clutching his stomach. I shook my head, grumbling. I'd expected better from him. He was supposed to be my closest friend, and yet here he was laughing at me.

"Stop laughing!" I demanded, gripping his shoulders and jostling him roughly. His laughter quickly trailed away, and his relaxed disposition stiffened considerably. He looked into my eyes, and his normally dark skin was very pale. "You... you can't be serious," he said, a cocked eyebrow complementing his interrogatory tone. I stared down at my feet, twiddling my fingers together.

"I'm serious. I know there must be a reason for her to be so nasty. In some cases, she's actually been nice to me. That's the real Merula." Rowan scoffed at this explanation, having a seat at my desk. "What's next for you, dude? Justifying the actions of You-Know-Who?" he huffed, sitting backwards in the chair as to face me. "That girl is downright mean, there is no good reason!" I shook my head fervently, a desperate expression spreading across my face as I fell back onto my bed.

"I'm telling you. There's good in her." I told him softly. Rowan's expression softened into one of worry. He averted his gaze to the floor of my dormitory. "I'm just... asking you to help me sort my feelings out. Maybe to support me through them. Please?" His face softened further, until he eventually sighed. "Sure, mate. I'm your best friend." Rowan and I smiled at each other understandingly. "I'll always support you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in a day? I write too much. Also, yeah these chapters are kinda short. Introductory stuff, I suppose it is.


	3. Chapter 3

I lounged comfortably on my bed, turning to face Rowan. His gentle features radiated a mixture of understanding and pity, which I could only venture to interpret meant that he was here for me despite his trepidations. This was the Rowan I knew. My best friend and confidant. He sighed, folding his hands in his lap.

"So tell me," he breathed, "when did this all start?" Without hesitation, I replied.

"The moment I laid eyes on her, I thought she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen." I only hoped Rowan hadn't detected the longing in my voice, as I had felt it myself and was truthfully rather embarrassed when discussing the topic of love. "I mean, during the Sorting Ceremony, I couldn't get her out of my mind. She looked at me with those piercing violet eyes, and I felt my heart jump."

Rowan stared at me quizzically, almost as if he was searching for something. Perhaps he was searching for my sanity, as his next statement regarded me as if I were mad.

"You mean you began to fancy this girl because she looked at you with those disgusting, hate-filled eyes?" he snickered, trying his best to suppress the grin that had conquered his expression.

"She's not hate-filled, Rowan!" I declared in annoyance. "She's... erm..." Rowan smirked as I struggled to find the right words to describe this bitter angel. He stood, smiling.

"I'll give you a moment to think, mate." He marched to the door of my dormitory, slipping quickly out into the halls. If anything, that would make the task of finding the right word an even greater challenge. Where had Rowan scampered off to? I couldn't figure that part out, but the word had hit me in the face like a snowball.

"Misunderstood." The word weighed on my mind as if it were a cold, crushing glacier. It stood at the forefront of my vision in bright purple letters. Purple like her eyes. Those eyes gripped my heart like an iron fist. In a castle full of wizards, potions, and fantastical creatures, I found it odd that the most magical thing I'd seen was Merula.

Rowan threw the door open, twirling a miniature glass vial between his fingers. The pink liquid sloshed to and fro like crashing waves.

"What have you got there?" I asked, approaching him. His eyes narrowed and his mouth straightened considerably.

"Drink it," he commanded. He uncapped the flask and thrust it towards me. Rowan had never been one to steer me wrong, so I supposed that whatever this was wouldn't kill me. However, something about this felt... off.

"Rowan?" I called. He perked up, looking back at me. "What is this?" His eyes lit up. "Oh! The antidote for a love potion! I got it from Penny." I stared back at him in disgust. "What? I figure that's the only explanation for anyone fancying Merula," he explained. Deep in my heart, I knew my feelings weren't the result of something artificial. Though I supposed I'd humor him. I flung my head back and downed the entire flask in one gulp. He stared at me, wide-eyed. I stared back in a state of mild nausea, gagging with my hands over my mouth.

"So... how do you feel?" he asked, stepping closer. "I feel... better. Tastes like rubbish though," I replied, rubbing my temple. "So it was a love potion?" Rowan gritted his teeth, narrowing his eyes angrily. "How dare she? I'm sure she wanted to use you as the means to some end! I told you she was a monster, I-" I cut him off. "Er, Rowan?" He breathed deeply. "Yeah mate?" I could see the anticipation in his eyes, and destroying his expectations of grandeur was going to pain me.

"Nothing changed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I write very short chapters, I know, I know.


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey, are you okay?"

The gentle voice cooed me back to reality. I observed my surroundings, noting that I was in the potions classroom. I turned to the voice which had roused me from my trance. Merula's eyes radiated deep concern, and her lips formed a small frown. I stared back at her like a deer in headlights, my heart pulsating deep within my chest. I hastily nodded, flicking my eyes over to Professor Snape. He was glaring sternly at me, striding closer to our table.

"Miss Snyde, is your partner giving you trouble?" his gruff voice asked. "Not at all, Professor Snape!" she chirped back. "I was just trying to show him the proper coloration for this potion. Right?" I continued to sit there, silent and unmoving. A sharp jab to the ribs from Merula snapped me back to reality. "Y-yeah..." I groaned, rubbing my side. I could guarantee that I was going to bruise after that. Snape massaged his temples, exhaling deeply.  
"Very well, Miss Snyde," he sighed, folding his arms behind him as he turned to walk away. "I have better things to do than stop my two brightest students from flirting." The entire class erupted with in a chorus of "ooooooooh"s and whistling. Merula's cheeks filled with scarlet as she buried her face in her hands. She groaned in annoyance.

"Hey, leave her alone!" I began, turning to face the other groups of students. I furrowed my brow and gave a menacing glare to as many of them as I could. "She and I weren't-" 

"We were not flirting!" Merula declared, slamming her first on the table as she stood. She turned to the nearest student, a blonde Gryffindor girl, and grabbed her by the shoulders of her robes. "Get it through your thick skulls that I can't stand the sight of this twat!" My heart sank. She continued spewing insult after burning insult at me, denouncing me as "uglier than a cave troll" and "positively unlovable." Each word cut deeper than the last, lacerating my very soul to the core.

I stood, seething. My stool fell to the floor with a loud crack. Tears streamed down my face, mixing with the pooling blood on my chin as a result of biting my lip. "Oh yeah, Merula?" I shouted, getting in her face. All love I felt for her was buried beneath the pain of her words. I didn't have anything to lose. "I'd rather be locked up in Azkaban with your parents than have to spend another second near you!"

The classroom fell silent. Merula's eyes pooled with tears. Her features scrunched up, attempting to hide that she was crying. She began to bawl, huffing labored breaths between fits of crying. She fell to her knees, shaking uncontrollably. Oh god. What had I done? My heart burned even more than it had when she had insulted me. Why would I say that to her? What the hell was I doing?

"I... I hate you!" Merula screamed, coughing violently. She leapt up, slapping me in the face. She buried her face in the sleeves of her robes and bolted out the door. There she went. There went Merula Snyde, the most lovely girl I've ever met, crying as she ran from me. And what was I doing? Just standing there, rubbing the red handprint on my cheek? Hell no! I pushed into the crowd of students as Snape reached out to restrain me. "Do not chase her, do you not think you have done enough damage?" he grunted, wrapping an arm around me. I struggled to break free, thrashing with all of my might and desperately clawing to release even one of my limbs. Then it hit me. Snape was right. It was my fault. I fell limp, weeping softly. I'd made all of the wrong choices.

"Class dismissed," Snape announced. The other students awkwardly gathered their things and headed for the door. "Except for you," he said to me. "I would like to have a word with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am evil for writing this. It made me sad.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well MC certainly has screwed up hasn't he? My apologies for not updating in a day or so, I'll try to be better about writing and posting new chapters.

A heavy atmosphere swept through the room. Snape's presence loomed over me, his hollow eyes piercing my very soul. I sat, tapping my foot rapidly. Snape, however, sat at attention across from me. His hands were folded, unmoving. I felt he was searching the deepest recesses of my very being, accessing parts of me that even I wasn't aware of. On any normal day, I would have been trembling. This was not a normal day. Merula was off crying somewhere and it was my fault. I needed to apologize, and quickly. I couldn't be stuck here all day. At last, I broke the silence.

"Professor Snape?"

He remained wholly motionless. I sucked in a deep breath, slumping backwards against the chair.

"Professor Snape?" I called, this time demandingly. His pupils shrank, a vein popping out from his neck. The normally calm Snape had become an enraged monster.

"Have you any idea how... utterly despicable your words were?" he growled, leaning over the desk. I recoiled sharply, covering my face with my hands.

"Yes sir, but-"

"But nothing! You've been a troublemaker since day one, and I'm going to recommend your immediate expulsion to Headmaster Dumbledore!" Snape shouted, his eyes bulging mere inches away from my own. Spittle flew from his mouth as if he were a sprinkler. The sight of an angry Snape was enough to drop my heart into the pit of my stomach.

I did not want to be here right now. I refused to stay here any longer. But what could I do? I didn't want any more trouble.

The sudden realization hit me hard enough to drown out Snape's fury. I was going to be expelled. I would never see any of my friends again. No more late-night study sessions with Rowan. No more Gobstones with Ben. No more potions class with Penny. No more evening chats with Bill in the clocktower courtyard. No more Merula. Tears began to slowly trickle down my cheeks, burning away to steam against the flaming red skin of my face as my expression contorted from the agony. I couldn't stop my expulsion, but I was more than capable of apologizing to Merula before they dragged me out of this school.

"You have one chance," I told myself, burying my face in my hands. "Do not screw this up."

"P-Professor Snape?" I whispered, my voice trembling. I don't believe he even noticed, as any shifts in his expression or tone were entirely lost on me.

"Professor Snape," I repeated, sitting up in my seat and leaning to meet his stare.

"Silence, boy! You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into, and I intend to-" he hissed.

I leapt to my feet and got as close to him as physically possible with the desk between us, shouting with every bit of strength I could gather from deep within myself.

"SNAPE, SHUT UP AND LISTEN!"

He fell silent. Surprisingly, he sat down and returned to his normal, calm demeanor. From there, I was unsure what to do. I hadn't expected to make it this far.

I mustered all of my strength, wiping my tearful eyes and runny nose. I remained standing, glaring down at him with narrowed eyes.

"I don't care what disciplinary action is taken," I growled, gripping tightly against the wooden finish of the desk. "Quite frankly, all I care about is apologizing to Merula." His eyebrows elevated very minutely. "So here's what I'm going to do. I am going to go find Merula, and I am going to make this right." I turned towards the door, quickly striding away.

I turned to face Snape from the doorway, locking eyes with him. Something about his expression implicated a subtle guilt. He sat, stoic and unmoving, save for a slight tremble in his upper lip.

"You know what it's like to love someone, don't you?" I queried calmly. He remained still for several seconds, averting his gaze at the floor. I didn't have time for this. I turned to run, but from behind me came a concrete punctuation to the shouting match I had just engaged in.

"Go, before I change my mind."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Snape is a good person and you can @ me on that


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to get around to writing, I've been busy with school and such. And, again, sorry it's so short. Next chapter will be a long one.

I sped through the cold passages of the school's dungeons, the smell of stale air and the sound of my own clacking shoes ripping my sanity to pieces. Each long stride I took felt as if I'd only moved a centimeter, and each turn I took felt unfamiliar despite the fact that I'd been through the dungeons on plenty of occasions. I struggled to maintain a cohesive thought process. "Think, think... where could she have run off to?"

Clack, clack, clack.

I groaned, gripping my hair tightly in my fists. "THINK!" I shouted loudly, my voice echoing through the deserted corridors. Every landmark seemed to be so indistinct that I couldn't manage to make out where I was. I slowed, breathing deeply. My lungs felt as if they were melting, though I knew that stopping reduced my chances of finding Merula. I pushed on, unabated.

Clack, clack, clack.

I turned a corner, cutting close enough as to smack my shoulder into the wall. I stumbled, clutching my arm as I ran. Then, through some miracle, I spotted a set of stairs around the next corner. My eyes lit up with determination as I further strained myself to push on.

Clack, huff, clack, huff, clack, huff.

Maybe I didn't need to think about where I was going. Though, it wasn't really possible with the grating noise of clacking shoes and my labored breathing at the forefront of my mind. That aside, I felt as if I knew. Not in my surface thoughts, but deep within my subconscious. Or, quite possibly, I had gone completely mad. Either one seemed likely enough as it stood. I couldn't remember the last time I blinked, inhaled, or even felt pain. My body was straining to keep throwing itself up these stairs, but my desperation had the clear advantage in the battle of mind versus matter. This was the second time this week Merula had made me sweat and run up or down a set of stairs. I had been having such an odd couple of days. As I stumbled out of the stairwell, I wiped away beads of sweat with the sleeve of my robe. I was in a horrible state, but I needed to see her. Memories of her flooded my mind, and I remembered why I was pushing on.

I knocked rapidly against Professor McGonagall's office, clutching my stomach. She delicately pulled the door open, looking down at me. Her gaze met mine, yet her face gave nothing away. She stood there, her arms folded.

"Just who I've been looking for," she said plainly. She extended her hand, and a dilemma struck me. If I went with her, I would almost certainly face expulsion. Though if I fought back, my chances weren't any better. I couldn't do that to Professor McGonagall either. She'd always been such a help to me. I sighed and, grabbing her hand, relinquished hope.

"I'm ready to go see the Headmaster, Professor," I mumbled as she lifted me to my feet. She smiled understandingly, looking back at me. For some reason, she felt that the small, damaged boy that stood before her deserved pity.

"There's been a change of plans," she told me. "Come with me." I nodded, taking a moment to wipe my brow. Professor McGonagall led me up the stairs to her classroom. She pushed the door open, stepping to the side to hold it for me. Her face wrinkled, revealing her inner worry. I didn't know why she was worried, in all honesty. Was she as concerned about Merula as I was? As I entered the transfiguration classroom, all of my questions were answered. The cursed ice felt like an autumn wind in comparison to the chill that ran up my spine.

There she was.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is. One low-carb Monster later, I present to you: my magnum opus. I hope I can top myself after this one.

Merula sat behind an old table in the corner of the transfigurations classroom, curled up and hugging her knees.

Her black eyeshadow was smudged haphazardly across her face from wiping away tears. Her usually immaculately-kept lips were worn and bloody from where she had bitten them. Rather than a pair of glistening amethyst pools, I met two unusually red and puffy eyes. I stood there, nervously twiddling my thumbs. It hurt to see her this way. As much as I wanted to run to her and sink her deep into an embrace, I had to be tactful about this. I took several slow, tentative steps forward.

"Merula..." I called, as quietly and as soothingly as I could manage with my voice wavering. She slowly uncurled herself, clambering to her feet messily. She stood there, arms at her sides, unmoving. I took another few steps until only two meters were between us. 

"Why are you here?" she asked. Her tone was confused rather than accusatory. "I thought you..." She averted her eyes, her voice trailing off.

"No, no, that's not true..." I assured her, closing the gap between us with a few short steps. "Listen, Merula, I know what I said, but-"

CRACK.

My words were cut short by a surprisingly powerful slap across the face. My head spun to the side, slinging spittle across the room. I recoiled, stumbling backwards into a desk. "Ow! Son of a... really, again?" I howled, rubbing the recently renewed red handprint on my cheek.

"That was for what you said in potions class," she grumbled, folding her arms and pouting. I turned to her with narrowed eyes and gritted teeth. "I came all this way just to check on you, and you-" She stepped closer. I felt her arms snake their way around me, locking at the fingers behind my back. She pulled me closer into an aggressive hug, squeezing me with what I could only assume to be every bit of her might. She buried her face in my shoulder, breathing deeply.

"Who are you and what have you done with Merula?" I thought shortly. This question was quickly pushed from my mind. I was actually hugging Merula... and it was every bit as amazing as I had hoped it would be. I rested my chin on her shoulders, wrapping my arms around her delicate waist. Her hair was as soft as a cloud, and her scent made even the most beautiful of flowers smell boring. I don't know how long we stood there, pressed against each other, silently acknowledging that we would never speak of this again. I couldn't sense the passing of time, only the feeling of her heartbeat slamming rapidly against my chest. We both felt that the hug ended too soon as we stepped back. I grinned brightly, shoving my hands into my pockets. She meekly shielded her face with her hands, peeking over them at me. I could see the scarlet hue of a blush spread to her ears. My own face felt warm as well.

"What... was that for?" I stammered, awkwardly adjusting myself. Her smirk twitched into a full smile. She giggled softly, folding her hands back at her waist. "For coming to check up on me."

"It wasn't easy," I muttered, my blush growing warmer. "I mean, I yelled at Snape." Her eyes shot open wide, and her jaw fell. "You... did?" she exclaimed, visibly awestruck. I nodded solemnly, staring straight into her eyes. Those beautiful purple jewels had gotten me into this mess in the first place. "He said he was going to have me expelled."

I was nowhere near prepared for what happened next. She launched forward, embracing me even more tightly than before. Her hands clutched my shoulders, and I could hear her begin to cry. Was Merula... sad? She'd always talked about how much she hated me, and of course I assumed that she was hamming it up for dramatic effect, but... to see Merula actually care about me was a jarring change. I held her close, whispering into her ear. "Shhh... it's okay..." I pressed her tighter against me as she bawled into my robes. I felt several wet tears seep through my robes, stinging my skin as if they were acid.

"You bloody idiot, why did you have to go and get yourself expelled?" she wailed, driving her nails into my back as she desperately clung to me. I ran my fingers through her beautiful brunette locks, cooing shushes at her again. "You absolute..." she began, tearing herself away from me. She stormed a few steps away before throwing herself fist-first into the stone floor. She dropped to her knees, gripping her hair furiously. Through gritted teeth and teary eyes, she choked out what I could only interpret to be a series of vulgar insults. I felt ill.

I slowly circled to her front, crouching on one knee to meet her gaze. Trepidatiously, I placed my hand against her cheek. She sniffled, her lips quivering. "This is my fault, isn't it?" she asked, her voice wavering. She lowered her hands from her hair to wipe her wet eyes and running nose. "If I could have just taken what you said, this never would have happened." I reached to cup her right hand in my own. She became flushed as I did so, staring at me attentively. "I shouldn't have said what I did," I said apologetically. "I'm sorry, Merula." She looked down at the delicate hand I was holding so carefully between my own. I was surprised beyond words that she had allowed me to hold her hand. However, what she did next was even more startling. She placed her other hand atop mine, smiling weakly. "I forgive you," she returned.

Merula and I remained there, crouched and still, for minutes. We enjoyed a calm, understanding silence. Eventually, Professor McGonagall called out to me. I looked across the room to see her staring, droopy-eyed and frowning. "Professor Dumbledore has requested a meeting with you," she stated gravely. I nodded, turning back to Merula. "I guess this is goodbye," I sighed, gripping her hands tighter. She frowned, beholding me through glossy puppy dog eyes. "I... suppose it is," she muttered, grasping my hands in return. We sat in silence for another moment before she spoke those familiar words.

"I hate you."

I chuckled, retorting "You're unbearable."

She giggled in return. "You make my skin crawl," she said, inching closer to my face.

"You make me feel ill," I breathed, stifling another laugh. Merula rolled her eyes.

"You're hopeless," she told me. I nodded in agreement, sighing an affirmative "Yeah."

I leaned closer to her. Our noses touched at the tips as we butted foreheads. As we stared into each other's eyes with expressions of faux anger, the illusion of which was only broken by our wide grins, I saw the real Merula beneath those deep violet pools. The Merula I had gushed to Rowan about. The Merula I had developed feelings for. The Merula I knew was in there. I felt the contrasting hot and cold of her burning, blushing skin and her nervous sweat. It was now or never.

"I loathe you."

Her eyes widened considerably, but she didn't skip a beat.

"I loathe you too."

Everything around me stopped dead in its tracks. Time, the world, the universe itself, halted for this very moment. Merula thrust her hands forward, wrapping them around the sides of my head. "Come here, you prat." She snapped her eyes shut and pulled my mouth into hers, enveloping my lips between her own. Without a second thought, I closed my own eyes and pushed myself forward into her. Our mouths gnashed in a rage of passion, expressing something that could only be built up to by a boundless amount of tension. I felt her teeth playfully nipping at my lips. I ran the fingers of one hand through her hair, placing the other hand against her cheek. I had awaited this moment for as long as I had known Merula, though I doubted this fantasy would ever become reality.

Professor McGonagall cleared her throat. "Ahem, I believe you have somewhere to be," she huffed, reprimanding me. Merula and I parted slowly, opening our eyes to return to the real world. I smiled at her, standing back up. "It's been fun," I told her. "I'll miss you." A tear ran down my cheek as she replied, "I'll miss you too." Still holding her hand in mine, I began to walk towards Professor McGonagall. It tore my heart to shreds knowing that I would never see Merula again. I grasped her beautiful hand so tightly, slipping my own across her palm and up her fingers. We separated at the fingertips, and I looked back to see Merula with a stiff expression, her eyes watering. "You're so strong, Merula," I cooed. "I'm proud of you." She wiped her eyes, whimpering. "Stay strong. For me." She nodded, hugging herself. She hadn't taken her eyes off of me for a second. I thought for a moment how odd it was that all of this began from such malicious circumstances. I turned, finishing my trip across the room. "Let's go," Professor McGonagall sighed. I couldn't tell if she was exhausted from having to witness the culmination of countless months of teenage hormones, or if she felt sorry for me. It didn't matter now. I could only pray for mercy from Dumbledore. Professor McGonagall opened the door, extending an arm to signal me out of the room.

It was time for judgment day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this was a great pleasure. I didn't have to backspace much at all because every interaction felt so genuine to me. Let me say now that the story isn't over. I don't know how much is left, because I'm honestly winging every bit of this, but I'll tell you that there's more to come.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a while to get out! I feel like this turned out well though. Enjoy!

As McGonagall led me down the hallway, the dread that had previously occupied my mind was nowhere to be felt. I wasn't biting my lip or shifting my eyes around. The clacking of my footsteps and the joyous, melodic thumping of my heart swirled together into a beautiful symphony. And, despite the circumstances, I danced. I was overcome by determination and joy. I could feel her gentle hands, her sweet lips, and her passionate heartbeat even now. I understood that I had to stay here at Hogwarts, make no mistake. However, my confidence rose with every step towards Dumbledore's office. I would put my best foot forward, I thought as I preened myself. With the incantation of a passphrase, the steps to the Headmaster's office appeared before my very eyes. I felt my heart beating in my throat, so I swallowed. Now wasn't the time for fear. Now was the time to ensure that I stayed with Rowan, with Ben, with Bill, with Penny... and now, with Merula.

Each step up towards the office built my confidence further. This wouldn't be easy, but I could succeed. I didn't have a choice. Turning my head, I found that Professor McGonagall had not followed me. I noted this as peculiar until considering the general concept of confidentiality. I gulped down my worries, stiffening to a straight face. I marched onward to meet the Headmaster. His stern eyes peered over a set of thick-rimmed glasses. He hummed, motioning for me to have a seat. I obliged, firmly planting myself in the uncomfortable chair. The only thing stiffer than my posture was this chair, and I wondered how Dumbledore could take sitting in a similar position day in and day out. His voice delicately tore through the silence.

"What is this about you having words with Miss Snyde?" he queried, folding his hands beneath his bearded chin. I opened my mouth to respond, but he interjected more quickly than I could speak. "And please," he sighed, "drop the act." My face fell to show the sheer horror I was concealing beneath my facade. "That obvious, huh?" I chuckled nervously. He nodded solemnly. "Now, do go on." I swallowed.

"Well, you see... I was in an argument with Merula." Dumbledore hummed, nodding. This nod was one of more polite understanding, rather than his prior harshness. "I, erm... I said some nasty things to Merula." He cocked an eyebrow. "What's this about you using obscene language with Professor Snape?" he asked, his face devoid of all emotion. Jeez, what was it with people being so good at hiding their feelings? I didn't know Merula liked me, I didn't know Snape had a soft spot, and now I can't tell what Dumbledore is thinking.

"It's true, sir... I did swear at Professor Snape," I confessed, hanging my head. "I'm deeply sorry to both him and you." He smiled, laughing a bit. "Snape can be a bit of a handful sometimes, this much I admit." I laughed with him, and his features shifted to gentle understanding. I perked, nervously adding "Professor Snape said he would recommend me for expulsion." Dumbledore gazed at me quizzically, putting his hands in his lap. "Snape says many things," he chuckled. "To be honest with you, he advised me against expelling you!" My eyes shot open, gleaming with a mixture of gratitude and awe. Snape actually put in a good word for me? That's... so unlike him, but I was beyond grateful.

"However," Dumbledore added, "I will be deducting a hefty sum of 100 house points as a result of the hubbub you've caused today." I nodded excitedly, practically hopping up and down in my seat. I clutched the armrests of the chair tightly. "Now, go back to class." I looked at him confusedly. "Professor Dumbledore... classes are over for today." He checked the time. "Ah, so they are. Go on about your day as usual," he amended, waving me off.

Now that my meeting with Dumbledore was out of the way, I had to get back to Merula. I leapt from the final step, turning to bolt towards McGonagall's classroom. She was the last one to see Merula, so I assumed that she would know where Merula had gone.

A strong set of arms wrapped around my throat, crushing my windpipe. I struggled to get free, pulling myself from the stranger's grip. I escaped their grip and spun around, drawing my wand in anticipation. Before me stood a forlorn Merula, tears in her eyes. I sheathed my wand, extending my arms forward. She leapt into my hug, burying her face deep in my chest. "I'm going to miss you..." she sobbed, clutching my shoulders. I hugged her tightly, pulling her close. "I'm not leaving, Merula." She held herself tightly against me, still weeping. "I thought... you were getting expelled," she sniffled. I managed, reluctantly, to pry her from my body. I held her sweetly at the waist, flashing her a cocky smile. "That's what I thought too, but it turns out that Snape is a total softie." Her tears stopped flowing as she gazed at me with glistening irises. "You mean you're staying?" she asked, looking at me with pure joy. My heart grew warm knowing how happy my answer would make her. I opened my mouth to speak, but was halted by Merula's lips clashing against mine. It was an awkward kiss, and we parted immediately. She looked at me meekly, shifting her eyes between the floor and myself. Her face grew red as she muttered an apology, but I simply giggled. "Merula Snyde, the master of romantic timing!" I announced in a false deep voice, throwing my hands up as if I were an announcer. She snorted, ruffling her hair. "Yeah, well, I'd like to see you do any better!" she scoffed. I smirked at her, chuckling. "Challenge accepted."

I gently grasped her chin, adjusting her eyes to meet mine. Before me, I saw the beautiful Merula Snyde. Her eyes were shining with passion and her mouth sat slightly open. Slowly, we leaned towards each other. I met her delicate lips, and the sensation seemed as if we had never parted. It felt so natural to feel her encompass me in such a way. Her intense personality could be felt even in her kisses. She gripped my hair with one hand, placing her other hand against my chest. My heart leapt as she softly bit and sucked my tongue. I placed my hands on her hips, eliciting a light moan. I slid my hands up her sides and around her back, pulling her even closer. We stayed for a moment, savoring the experience. We parted, taking comfort in the fact that this wouldn't be the last time.

"Merula," I breathed exhaustedly, "why were you always so mean to me?" She scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Because I like you, idiot!" I squinted, analyzing her statement. "I don't get it, but I don't care either," I said, shrugging. She stood, her hands on her hips, looking at me expectantly. I stared back, tapping my fingers rhythmically against my wand. What could she be waiting for? Why did she bully me if she liked me? Were all women this complicated? Did I finish my charms homework? Thought after distracting thought stormed my mind.

"Uh, hey..." she mumbled meekly, twiddling her thumbs nervously. She looked up at me, folding her arms. "Would you want to... go to Hogsmeade with me this evening?" I was taken aback, still in shock at the fact that I was now on good terms with Merula. "Oh, sure!" I responded, doing my best to mask the fact that I was unbearably anxious about going out on a... date with her. "It's a date, then!" she sang joyfully, turning to walk away. "Meet me in the clocktower courtyard at about seven, alright?" she called from down the hall. I turned to walk back to my common room. "Okay! Love you!" I called back. I nearly choked on my heart as it leapt into my throat. It felt so natural to say, but so odd to hear myself say. I turned my head to face her. She was smiling and waving, still walking away. "Love you too!" she returned, rounding the corner. I heard a thud as, I assume, another student bumped into Merula at the corner. As I started descending the stairs, I heard the distant sound of her furious shouting. I was proud to call her mine, short temper and all.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long with this! School and real life got in the way, HARD. But here's the latest chapter of I Loathe You!

I sat anxiously on the edge of the fountain, mist lapping at my fingertips as I leaned backwards. I faced the sky, gazing into the stars. Bright, shining diamonds decorating the world above our own. I saw a bit of her in each one. I felt Rowan's presence next to me; a warm, inviting one. "I never thought I'd see the day," he laughed softly, giving me a firm pat on the back. I lowered my head, smiling at him. "That makes two of us," I replied, leaning forward. I rested my knees on my thighs, placing my chin firmly in my hands. "You sure this isn't a trick?" he queried, half-joking. I smirked, replying "I don't think so, she's not much of a trickster."

We both looked up to the sound of shoes clacking against stone. Merula marched nervously towards us, her hands folded behind her back. She was dressed in a short, semi-formal black dress. Her hair was done up in curls, the most noticeable of which formed from the bright patch in her bangs. In contrast, I sat with an unbuttoned grey jacket, white collared shirt, and charcoal slacks. I felt so underdressed for the occasion, but my worries disappeared as she took my hand.

"Looking sharp," she hummed sweetly. Rowan stood, slipping his hands into his pockets. "This is where I get off," he laughed, walking away. "Have fun!" he called out to us as he left. I nodded, turning to Merula with a loving smile. "You look... lovely," I managed, a rosy pink adorning my cheeks. Her glossy lips were lifted into a flattered smile as our fingers intertwined. We began the walk towards Hogsmeade in comfortable silence. So often, she would tickle my palm flirtatiously with her index finger. It was a heavenly sensation, one I had never expected to know. I felt worry well up within me with every step we took. This was my first time going on a proper date with a girl... and I was nervous. Merula, however, seemed beyond comfortable. It was as if every motion she made was familiar and rehearsed.

"What's the matter?" she asked, tickling my palm again. Chills shot sharply up my spine. I turned to face her concerned smile. I sighed, admitting my nervousness. She chuckled sweetly, bringing her hand to cover her mouth slightly. "And I suppose you think I'm not?" I shook my head. "You seem like you've done this all before," I confessed. She stuck her tongue out, rolling her eyes. "Absolutely not, I wouldn't so much as entertain the idea of a date with anyone else in that place," she spat disgustedly. I smirked slyly, gripping her hand more tightly in my own.

As we arrived in Hogsmeade, the chilly breeze lolled slowly through the streets. Merula shivered slightly, and a dilemma struck me. Would it be cliché of me to offer her my jacket? Would she find it romantic and chivalrous? I suppose there was only one way to know for sure. "Would you like my jacket?" I offered, slipping it from my arms. She laughed, accepting it with a bubbly "Sure!" Then it hit me. The Three Broomsticks was immediately on our left, and I looked like a complete stooge. I wanted to bury my face in the snow, though my burning cheeks would just melt it. Merula slipped into my jacket, the sleeves being a fair bit long. She giggled again, removing my jacket almost immediately as we entered The Three Broomsticks. "I'll save this for the walk back," she stated warmly, folding it in her arms.

Madam Rosmerta seated us quickly as a favor for my previous service to her in the restaurant. Our orders were taken, leaving Merula and I to chat while we awaited our meals. Merula, despite my protests, threatened copious amounts of comedic slapstick violence if I so much as considered paying for her. We sat quietly, tapping our fingers and looking at each other. No sensuality, just... staring. It was a bit awkward. I looked her in the eyes, causing her to avert her gaze nervously. She looked back at me, so I did the same. We did this three or four times until, eventually, we both broke into fits of laughter. "Do you plan on actually looking at me, Merula?" I guffawed, clutching my stomach. She buried her face in her hands, giggling like an amused child. "You wouldn't look at me either, idiot!" We sat laughing for another moment until we composed ourselves.

"You know," I began, "most people wouldn't be very happy about almost getting expelled." I smiled, reaching across the table to place my hand upon her own. "I would do it all over again." She turned a rosy red, smiling shyly. "I already miss being able to hate you," she chuckled, rolling her eyes. I felt her foot lightly caress my own beneath the table. My heart leapt as she slowly worked from my foot up to my shin, then from my shin to my thigh. My face flushed and I tightened my hand nervously around hers. She laughed warmly, looking at me with an expression of... what I could only interpret to be nervous lust. "Your luck stops there, lover boy," she cooed, withdrawing from my thigh. Despite her confidence, I could see the anxiety buried in her expression. I wouldn't admit it, but that was probably the best feeling I'd ever experienced. The tantalizing sensation of her teasing my thigh was inexplicably enjoyable.

My thoughts were cut short by the sound of two plates being placed before me. A steak for her and a steak for me. She gagged slightly, looking at my plate with disgust. "Do you need me to use Incendio on that thing? It's still moving!" I rolled my eyes, snickering. "It's cooked medium and totally dead, Merula," I laughed, hacking off a chunk. Juicy, tender bliss awaited my palate with each new bite. She and I sat for a bit, enjoying our meals and generally reminiscing about our past rivalry. Or, at least I thought it was in the past.

"This changes nothing, I'm still going to beat you at... everything!" she said cockily as we left the restaurant. She winked at me cutely, wrapping my jacket around herself snugly. It was just like her to be stubbornly competitive. As I stared into her bright purple eyes, I knew I wouldn't have it any other way. This seemed to be a theme for me, I thought. Finding myself lost in her eyes was a common occurrence. I smirked back, wrapping my arm around her as we walked back to Hogwarts. "And I'll always kick your butt, even if you are my girlfriend." Confidence radiated from my expression, but inside I was actually horrified. I didn't know how she'd react to me calling her my girlfriend, and I'd been trying to find a way to subtly sneak the word into our conversation. I felt like I'd chosen a good place, now I just had to see how she reacted. Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped. She stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face me, bemused. "Girlfriend?" Well, I'd come this far. Time to follow through. "You are my girlfriend, aren't you Merula?" I asked lovingly. Still nervous, she stammered "I'd... like to be." I turned to face her straight-on. "Well, Merula... will you be my girlfriend?" I asked. I felt sweat pouring down my forehead and I hoped she didn't see it. I was so worried. What if she said no? What if I had made a fool of myself? I-

"Yes, I will!" she replied excitedly, wrapping her arms around me. She pulled me into an excited hug, kissing my cheek. "Down, girl, down!" I laughed, holding her in my arms. I looked into her eyes and saw pure bliss, the same bliss I felt myself. She smiled lovingly at me and pulled me into a kiss. I felt like everything was right with my life. Nothing could have been better. I was hers. She was mine. And it was going to stay that way. We parted, gazing deeply into each other's eyes.

"I love you, Merula."  
"I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I think this might be the end? I'm not entirely sure. If I ever decide to come back with more chapters, I'll add them. But for now? Thank you for reading I Loathe You. ILY started as a passion project because of how absolutely much I adore Merula Snyde. And now, it's concluded. I loved every word of this, and I always hate ending off stories because I hate saying goodbye. But... I'll be writing some more stuff soon. I hope you'll enjoy it as much as you enjoyed this. Thanks again for reading. <3


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